Tuesday, 30 August 2011

The Sticky Situation of Self-harm Secrecy

So tonight I spent the night down the pub with a few close friends, all of who know I used to self-harm. The subject got round to health and eventually to whether people had ever had surgery which led to if people had ever had stitches and/or that glue stuff they use for sealing up cuts. Now I had never had stitches but I had been to hospital a few times for self-harm and they often needed glueing.

What was I meant to say? It was truly the most embarrassing moment of my life. I tried to just say ye I've had the glue and leave it that but after a bit of pressing it came out that it was for self-harm, (even though I still couldn't bring myself to say it, people had to guess).

This was greeted by sentences such as "Oh, that doesn't count" and the like, which I personally feel is a little unfair but I don't know - what do you think? Should someone be embarrassed that they used to Self-harm or proud that they've over come it? Does it count? Comment below!

The Food Diary

So, my care co-ordinator is worried that I may be developing a co morbid eating disorder. . . To confirm or deny her suspicions she wants me to keep a food diary, which is basically just where you record exactly what and when you have to eat, as well as this she wants me to note down whenever I am sick . . .

Now this sounds all very simple but it's actually extremely hard to do. Now meals are easy to take a note - simply as your cooking or cleaning just make a note of it, but its the snacks that are so difficult to add in. And I snack A LOT. Even just today so far I've forgotten to add in 3 snacks, and the problem is it's really difficult to get the time right when you add them in afterwards.

Anyway that's it for today's post, mainly just another introductory post so you all know what I'm going on about later in the blog.

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Introducing Presence #1: The Silent Woman

I mentioned a few posts ago that my most common breakthrough symptom was the feeling of presences. I thought I'd use this post to elaborate a bit. They are presences in their most agreeable state as it were, A few nights ago I was out with some friends and one of the presences came to the foreground.

Now since none of them have ever named themselves I refer to them by a characteristic and what they feel like, luckily this night it is someone I refer to as the silent women because she rarely if ever says very much. I say luckily because she is generally nice tempered and often will try and protect me or stand up for me against other presences, however this time it was like she was arguing with one of the others, although I could only hear her side of the conversation.

I when I say hear I mean hear, I had to check with my friend if it was real or not (a technique known as sound boarding). A lot of people fell that these voices "are in the head" and that it's easy to tell if it's real or not - well it isn't. Anyway she didn't say a lot of interest mainly things along the lines of "I've finished my shift and you start on me" and "Don't call me a bitch".

This whole experience lasted an hour or so, but can often go on for much longer and be alot more intense and distressing if other presences surface. However that's a tale for another day . . .

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Starting relapse prevention

So a couple of days ago I started relapse prevention work at my local hospital. This involves drawing timelines and looking at certain symptoms in context of the events around them. It can be quite a pleasant experience and I had several eureka moments during it when things suddenly made sense as to when and why I got ill. Anywho, as it turns out one of my major triggers was a breakup with my ex . . . This worries me.

It makes me scared to get into another relationship (not that that'll happen anytime soon as I'm currently living with my mother) if every failed relationship will end up in being ill, is it even worth looking? My humble opinion: yes! One should never give up on love. (Cheesy I know)

Sunday, 21 August 2011

The presences

So, I had a few break through symptoms (which are essentially just symptoms that occur while you are taking medication) today. This happens to me quite a lot and vary in severity, today was a semi decent day but I thought I'd write about it anyway. So this time it felt like there were people following me, it was like if I turned around I would see the room full of people watching and judging me. Now this doesn't sound to bad and it's not the worse that can happen, BUT it is sooooo annoying. It is so difficult to do anything when it feels like there is a whole room of people watching and judging you. So consequently I've spent most of the day doing nothing, on the upside when it finally goes away you feel so productive - which is probably why I'm writing this blog right now!

Saturday, 20 August 2011

The advice of a friend . . .

Following the advice of a friend I finally have a direction in which to take this blog. I shall use it as a personal journal in an attempt to raise awareness of the difficulties faced by those with mental health difficulties. I personally am a sufferer of schizo-affective disorder (which is like a cross between Bipolar disorder and schizophrenia) and while the majority of this blog will focus on my experiences I shall try and get some posts written by other sufferers up as well.

For now though I shall leave you with a video that everyone hoping to understand the effect psychosis can have should watch:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEXyqe85cuA

Saturday, 6 August 2011

Like a wheel within a wheel

So, first post - Nothing to heavy for now just gunna leave you with the inspiration behind this blog, Enjoy!