Hypomania/Mania: An Overview

So today I want to talk a little bit about mania and its little brother hypomania (which is just a less severe form of mania). There are a lot of misconceptions about mania, that it's good, that it's simply feeling too happy - And to an extent these a true, but not in the way that they are usually used. It's true that it feels good, but the feeling of euphoria generally only lasts a short while before it turns into dysphoria. Dysphoria is where you are constantly over stimulated. It feels horrible - It's like you can't slow down no matter how hard you try, you have all these ideas but you can't catch any of them.

And the dysphoria is the most harmless thing about mania, I also tend to get feelings of invincibility which leads me to risky activities such as drugs and unprotected sex (Not to mention your sex drive is completely through the  roof which leads to sleeping around with many different people anyway). As well as the risky behaviours there are the stupid ones, such as feeling so invincible you try to take of speeding buses, jump of 10ft high walls etc.

As well as all this you can't sleep either, so there is no escape - there are techniques for coping with mania but that's for another post. I also tend to spend ridiculous amounts of money - for example I've spent over £100 on alcohol in one night, and over £60 trying to win an I love you teddy bear, I know this might nto seem alot to many readers but at the time I had no income and was already in debt, this can leave you with crippling debt after your manic episode.

All in all manic episodes are not fun and are in fact extremely dangerous, especially as they are very hard for the sufferer to recognise.

Introducing Visual Hallucination #1: Patch the Friendly Dog

So, recently I've been getting a new visual hallucination. Its of a bright white dog with a black patch over his left eye. I don't see him very often but it's always nice when I do. The problem with Patch is that he seems to take the place of real dogs, When I am down my local park I see humans walking their dogs but the dogs always looks like Patch. Which makes it difficult to know if the humans are real too. This is where the problem occurs, so far nothing has happened yet but if one of the humans were to ever acknowledge me I don't know what I would do - If I say Hi back and they aren't real it will look odd, but if I ignore them it will look odd to.

This is always the dilemma going in the mind of a sufferer of psychosis, trying to work out which things are real and which ones aren't - It's truly exhausting. Though there are a range of techniques designed to help, but that I feel is for another post.

The Sticky Situation of Self-harm Secrecy

So tonight I spent the night down the pub with a few close friends, all of who know I used to self-harm. The subject got round to health and eventually to whether people had ever had surgery which led to if people had ever had stitches and/or that glue stuff they use for sealing up cuts. Now I had never had stitches but I had been to hospital a few times for self-harm and they often needed glueing.

What was I meant to say? It was truly the most embarrassing moment of my life. I tried to just say ye I've had the glue and leave it that but after a bit of pressing it came out that it was for self-harm, (even though I still couldn't bring myself to say it, people had to guess).

This was greeted by sentences such as "Oh, that doesn't count" and the like, which I personally feel is a little unfair but I don't know - what do you think? Should someone be embarrassed that they used to Self-harm or proud that they've over come it? Does it count? Comment below!

The Food Diary

So, my care co-ordinator is worried that I may be developing a co morbid eating disorder. . . To confirm or deny her suspicions she wants me to keep a food diary, which is basically just where you record exactly what and when you have to eat, as well as this she wants me to note down whenever I am sick . . .

Now this sounds all very simple but it's actually extremely hard to do. Now meals are easy to take a note - simply as your cooking or cleaning just make a note of it, but its the snacks that are so difficult to add in. And I snack A LOT. Even just today so far I've forgotten to add in 3 snacks, and the problem is it's really difficult to get the time right when you add them in afterwards.

Anyway that's it for today's post, mainly just another introductory post so you all know what I'm going on about later in the blog.

Introducing Presence #1: The Silent Woman

I mentioned a few posts ago that my most common breakthrough symptom was the feeling of presences. I thought I'd use this post to elaborate a bit. They are presences in their most agreeable state as it were, A few nights ago I was out with some friends and one of the presences came to the foreground.

Now since none of them have ever named themselves I refer to them by a characteristic and what they feel like, luckily this night it is someone I refer to as the silent women because she rarely if ever says very much. I say luckily because she is generally nice tempered and often will try and protect me or stand up for me against other presences, however this time it was like she was arguing with one of the others, although I could only hear her side of the conversation.

I when I say hear I mean hear, I had to check with my friend if it was real or not (a technique known as sound boarding). A lot of people fell that these voices "are in the head" and that it's easy to tell if it's real or not - well it isn't. Anyway she didn't say a lot of interest mainly things along the lines of "I've finished my shift and you start on me" and "Don't call me a bitch".

This whole experience lasted an hour or so, but can often go on for much longer and be alot more intense and distressing if other presences surface. However that's a tale for another day . . .

Starting relapse prevention

So a couple of days ago I started relapse prevention work at my local hospital. This involves drawing timelines and looking at certain symptoms in context of the events around them. It can be quite a pleasant experience and I had several eureka moments during it when things suddenly made sense as to when and why I got ill. Anywho, as it turns out one of my major triggers was a breakup with my ex . . . This worries me.

It makes me scared to get into another relationship (not that that'll happen anytime soon as I'm currently living with my mother) if every failed relationship will end up in being ill, is it even worth looking? My humble opinion: yes! One should never give up on love. (Cheesy I know)

The presences

So, I had a few break through symptoms (which are essentially just symptoms that occur while you are taking medication) today. This happens to me quite a lot and vary in severity, today was a semi decent day but I thought I'd write about it anyway. So this time it felt like there were people following me, it was like if I turned around I would see the room full of people watching and judging me. Now this doesn't sound to bad and it's not the worse that can happen, BUT it is sooooo annoying. It is so difficult to do anything when it feels like there is a whole room of people watching and judging you. So consequently I've spent most of the day doing nothing, on the upside when it finally goes away you feel so productive - which is probably why I'm writing this blog right now!